Finances: A Love Story?

By Marybeth Whalen

When my husband and I first got married, discussing finances was something best avoided. Money was a necessary evil, something to be endured when bill paying time rolled around, but not thought of much beyond that. I would have never guessed that 17 years later, discussing finances would become a major part of our love story. I could never have realized the value that would come from learning to talk about money, sharing our goals and dreams for our financial future, and becoming a united front in the never-ending challenge of managing our family’s money.

Does this sound impossible to you?

It did to me too, once upon a time. My husband Curt and I could not talk about money - even in the simplest terms - without a fight ensuing. We were drowning in debt and ill-equipped to approach money from a positive place. Fighting was guaranteed. I dodged financial discussions with all the finesse of a ballroom dancer: pivot, dip, glide. After all, if you can avoid the discussion, you can avoid the problem, right?

Not true. While we continued to avoid talking, our financial problems kept piling up. Finally one night in a dark car in a parking lot, we started talking in a way that wasn’t loaded with accusation, dripping with blame, or hedging on defensiveness. We were $95,000 dollars in debt, including multiple credit cards, two cars, and student loans we had carried our entire marriage. God met us in that car and began breaking down the barriers that existed between us, leading us out of our respective corners and into a middle ground. That night we began to work out a plan that would take us four years and a lot of commitment to see through.

During those four years, there were temptations to fall apart instead of coming together. We had to learn to work toward a common goal, walking the path laid out for us together instead of each going our own way and hoping we ended up in the same place. Learning to communicate about money in an effective way has been huge for our marriage. Here are some tips we learned:

Your spouse is not your enemy. Identify your enemy and focus on that enemy together as a team united by a common goal (Ephesians 6:12). Don’t let your enemy divide you and gain victory. When troubles arise, pray for a united heart, wisdom and clarity to handle the problem together.

Set regular times to plan, plot and assess. For Curt and me, that is usually on a lazy Saturday morning while the kids are playing and we sit in our kitchen over big steaming mugs of coffee. We have found that two heads really are better than one, and having more than one perspective is wise. I never fail to walk away from these times refreshed and hopeful over what God has done, and continues to do, in the life of our family.

Find ways to communicate based on your unique situation. Regular communication is necessary, but with six kids, ministry duties, and my husband’s demanding full-time job, that can be difficult. We have found it best to touch base about finances through emails. My husband pays the bills but sends me updates so I know how much remains in certain budget categories. While this doesn’t substitute for sitting down and talking things out, it is a realistic solution for our busy day-to-day life.

Reward yourselves from time to time with a fun date night out. Set reachable goals and build in some money for a sitter once those goals are met. Make sure you still have fun and talking about other things besides money all the time! This is a time to celebrate your accomplishments, not wring your hands about the future. These times along the way keep things fun and refreshed in your marriage and not “all business.”

When Curt and I go out on dates, it’s not uncommon for us to discuss finances for a portion of the night. We talk about what we have coming in and what we know will be going out. We talk about big expenses we need to budget for. We discuss any giving we plan to do, and how much we feel led to give.

One of the biggest changes in our marriage since we began this journey toward being financially free is that we really do feel free to talk about our money. It’s no longer a loaded subject we try to avoid. Surprisingly, it’s actually fun!

Most of all we love celebrating our successes together, forgetting not the benefits that have come from trusting God and surrendering our finances to Him.

Years ago, I would have told you finances have nothing to do with love. Now I know that money is a big part of our lives, and a big part of our love story. Getting in the ring and fighting for our financial future has united our vision. Learning to talk about money in a productive way has helped us learn to talk about other difficult situations. Knowing we conquered our mountain of debt together has made us stronger as a couple. And that, as they say, is priceless.

Marybeth Whalen is the wife of Curt and mom of six children, ranging in age from teen to toddler. The family lives outside Charlotte, North Carolina. Marybeth is a member of the Proverbs 31 Ministries speaker team and a regular contributor to their daily devotions. She served as general editor of “For the Write Reason” and the upcoming book “The Reason We Speak.” She and her husband Curt co-authored “Learning to Live Financially Free.” Marybeth speaks regularly to women's groups and enjoys sharing stories from her daily adventures as a wife, mom, homeschooler, writer, and, most importantly, a follower of God. You can find her online at www.marybethwhalen.com.

Surrendering Your Strongholds

By Wendy Blight

Have you ever felt your life spinning out of control, and you didn’t know if you would survive another day? Have you felt like all you had in this world was ripped away? Have you experienced a physical or emotional pain so deep that nothing could numb the hurt?

On June 7, 1986, one week after my college graduation, an unknown armed assailant broke into my apartment, held me captive, stripped me bare, stole my perfect life, and walked away never to be seen again. My heart grew cold. I put a wall around myself, not letting anyone or anything penetrate it. I lived for years cocooned in a prison of fear, despair, and hopelessness.

I searched desperately for answers but found none. Though surrounded by people, I felt alone. I vividly remember one desperate night sitting on my bathroom floor, cradling a Bible in my arms, and crying out to God: If this Book is true, if You love me, if You want the best for me, and if You have a plan and purpose for my life, then You have got to show me. Because right now, I can’t trust You, and I don’t believe in You.

From that helpless place, something new began. God taught me that His incredible storybook, the Bible, is not merely a compilation of interesting stories. It is alive, written by His chosen ones to speak to us today. Little by little, God spoke powerful truths into my life. He also blessed me with times of great joy like marrying my college sweetheart, Monty, giving birth to my wonderful children, Lauren and Bo, and graduating from SMU School of Law. Though many of the truths I learned answered my questions and healed my hurts, I still lived with the practical realities of being afraid.

My battle with fear reached unmatched intensity when we moved from Dallas, Texas to Charlotte, North Carolina. It thrust me into unfamiliar surroundings and plunged me into a place of extreme vulnerability. Once again, God had His hand upon me. I joined my first Bible study, where we studied the topic of strongholds. Although I was unfamiliar with that word, our teacher defined a “stronghold” as any deeply rooted sin in your life that prevents you from growing in your relationship with God. She listed specific strongholds like bitterness, anger, pride, addiction and fear. Fear? When she said the word, a shiver ran down my spine. I was afraid. In fact, fear controlled my life. Could this be my stronghold?

As our lesson continued, I knew God had brought me to this study to bring me face to face with my fear. We learned about spiritual warfare. She taught about the invisible spiritual battle between the forces of good and evil that we all face. I am in this battle. She also taught us that we had powerful weapons with which to fight this battle and one was the “Sword of the Spirit” - God’s Word.

After Bible study that day, I put my son down for a nap. I was so tired of being afraid. I had lived with my fear for over a decade, and now I knew that it was keeping me from a deeper, richer walk with God. Tears poured down my cheeks, and I prayed, but this time instead of asking God to take away my fear, I asked Him to help me overcome my fear. Taking away my fear meant asking God to do the work for me. I knew God was calling me to be an active participant in the work He was about to do in my life.

I eagerly dug into His Word for the answers I longed to hear. Over the next few months, God taught me a powerful Truth about fear: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7). The Bible is unequivocal. The minute I received Christ as my Savior, God sealed me with His Holy Spirit. The Spirit of the Living God lives inside of me, and in Him there is no fear!

I sharpened my Sword as I searched God’s Word for more verses on fear. This verse leapt off the page: “He will shield you with His wings! They will shelter you. His faithful promises are your armor. Now you do not need to be afraid of the dark any more, nor fear the dangers of the day; nor dread the plagues of darkness, nor disasters in the morning” (Psalm 91:4-6, Living Bible).

That verse spoke deeply to me because I feared the dark. At night, nightmares flooded my mind. I awakened terrified, fully expecting to see the masked man standing over me. I feared the day. Should I get in the elevator with that man? Should I park that far away in the parking lot? Can I let the cable man in? I was fearful 24 hours a day.

I took these verses and began praying them back to God. My greatest moment in this journey to wholeness and healing was when my husband left for a business trip and I found myself struggling with spending the night alone. I searched in closets, turned on all the lights, turned on all the televisions, and turned on the alarm. I called my friend to pray for me and forced myself into bed. As I lay there, I felt compelled to turn off the television. I fought the urge at first because I knew it meant I would hear every noise, but I succumbed. I lay there in silence, waiting ... waiting for the fear to come as it had done for 15 years. It never did. Instead, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and security! A feeling so foreign that I could not even remember the last time I felt it. In that moment, I had a vision of a wall of angels surrounding my house. After more than a decade of living locked inside a prison of fear, in one single moment it was gone!

I felt compelled to call my prayer warrior friend and share my miracle. When I finished recounting my story, there was complete silence on the other end. I did not understand. Finally, she spoke and her words brought me to my knees ... literally. She said that after I had called, she and her husband immediately prayed for me. He specifically prayed for a wall of angels to surround my home. I was astonished! His prayer was my vision. God wanted me to know that He and He alone was the reason for my freedom ... no rationalizations, no logical explanations. God and God alone accomplished this marvelous work in my life. His faithfulness, His goodness, His Word, His Truth and His power set me free!

Wendy and Monty, her husband of 20 years, live in Charlotte, North Carolina, where they are raising their two children Lauren (15) and Bo (11). In addition to being a wife and mother, Wendy is a Bible teacher, author and speaker. Before moving to Charlotte, she practiced law in Dallas, Texas for several years. Wendy’s book, “Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner: The Transforming Power of God’s Story,” offers the reader a step-by-step walk through God’s Word to find physical, spiritual and emotional healing.

The Blessing of Friendship

An Interview with Lysa TerKeurst and Renee Swope

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up…” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10a

Hi, I’m Holly Good, Lysa’s assistant, and I’m also friends with both Lysa and Renee. This month we thought it would be fun to have some girl talk with the women behind the voices of our radio show. Whenever I have the opportunity to spend time with Lysa and Renee, our conversations tend to revolve around food, family, ministry, exercise, clothing and more food. We recently discussed their long-standing close friendship, which also spans many years of partnership in ministry. Here’s a bit of what they shared with me:

Holly: How did you two become friends?

Renee: In early 1995, my mom sent an article to me from the Charlotte Observer about a few women who had started a local ministry to encourage moms. My husband and I were newlyweds living in Virginia, expecting our first baby in May, and moving to Charlotte in July. Mom put a sticky note on it that said, "These sound like the kind of friends you need. I hope you find them when you get to Charlotte."

I needed a friend before we moved, so I decided to call information for the TerKeurst phone listing. After all, the article mentioned that Lysa’s husband owned a Chick-fil-A, and I had worked at Chick-fil-A in high school. Plus, she was also expecting a baby in May. I thought surely these were signs from God we were meant to be friends!

Lysa probably thought I was a lunatic, but she was sweet when I called. She shared her pediatrician’s name, suggested areas of Charlotte for apartments and encouraged me to call when we got here. That summer when we moved to Charlotte, we had lunch at Chick-fil-A and became friends over chicken nuggets, sweet tea and two adorable babies who were born just a week apart.

Holly: How do you protect your friendship?

Lysa: Renee and I have some understandings between us that have helped protect our friendship. One is the commitment to never speak dishonoring words about one another. Careless words crush friendships. I love and treasure Renee, therefore I carefully watch the words I use when talking about her. She can trust my words will build her up and not tear her down. I have this same security with her. It’s amazing how this can build a friendship.

Renee: Another commitment we made is to always believe the best of each other. If one of us does or says something that would hurt the others’ feelings, we’ve decided to recalculate our thoughts and emotions under the assumption that the other person loves us, is for us, and would never intentionally hurt us.

Holly: What’s an example of when you had to make this choice?

Lysa: Last New Year’s Eve, I invited Renee and her family over for dinner and games. She seemed hesitant. At first, I was tempted to believe she was waiting for a better offer to come along, which hurt. But I know Renee loves me and likes spending time with me. So, I made the choice to believe the best in her.

A few days later, she confided that she and her husband had been in an argument that very day about her making plans without consulting him. She wasn’t blowing me off; she was trying to honor her husband. Since he was with her when I called, she couldn’t explain the situation to me fully. As it turns out, her family came over and we had a great time bringing in the New Year!

Renee: It’s interesting that our decision to believe the best actually came out of a struggle in our friendship years ago. When I first got to know Lysa, I didn’t understand how she could do all that she did and be there for her family too. I thought she needed to be home more. I was projecting my expectations onto her and not believing the best. God really challenged me to trust Lysa’s relationship with Him and become one of her biggest encouragers.

What’s funny about that whole issue is that five years later God called me to do the very thing I questioned her for. Guess that teaches us to be careful about criticizing someone else, or we might find ourselves walking in their shoes just a few years later.

You know, believing the best about each other also helps us speak the best about each other, so these two commitments really go hand in hand for any friendship.

Holly: Any last words on friendships?

Lysa: Friendships are wonderful, but they take work. Just like every other relationship, you can’t stop investing and expect them to stay healthy. Honestly, I don’t have as many friends as my personality type usually likes. But, in this season of my life, I only have time to make the necessary investments for healthy friendships with a handful of people. Because of this, I can sometimes feel lonely.

So, when I feel this way, I take the initiative to plan some girlfriend time. Instead of waiting for others to invite me, I pick up the phone and make some kind of a plan. And hopefully, they won’t blow me off. Ahem. (Belly laughs ensue.)

Renee: One thing I’ve learned is that friendships change over time. Some friends are for a season. As our lives change, our friendships will too. Sometimes a friend may still be in our lives but the nature of our friendship changes. Schedules get full, one of you moves, or something makes it hard to spend time together. I try to make every effort to be intentional about keeping those friendship ties strong while also being flexible. When I find a friend who really understands me, encourages who God is calling me to be, and will walk with me (even from a distance), it’s worth every bit of creativity and sacrifice to make sure that friendship lasts.

Holly: Thanks for sharing your hearts and your friendship with our readers.

Overcoming the Fear Factor!

By Micca Campbell

Worry, fear and anxiety were never meant to be a part of our vocabulary, and yet most of us worry more than we’d care to admit. What are you afraid of? Are you scared of waking up to an intruder in the middle of the night? Perhaps it’s flying on an airplane. Maybe it’s the fear of sending your child off to college. Your greatest fear might be not being able to provide for your family. Most of us can identify a few that haunts us.

Panic best describes the emotion I felt when the nurse rolled Jimmy into the living room. Jimmy was the father of my son’s friend. Beset with diabetes, doctors had amputated both of his legs and most of his fingers. Jimmy was at the end of his life, but refused to let go. Concerned about whether or not Jimmy knew the Lord, I phoned his wife, Juanita, and asked if I could visit him. I wanted to be sure Jimmy would meet his Creator as Savior when that day came.

Jimmy’s deteriorating condition took me by surprise. When I saw him, I was terrified. I whispered to the Lord under my breath, "Oh, God, how can I minister to this man when I don't know what he's been through?" Even though I was scared stiff, somehow I knew God would show up to do what I couldn’t … and that’s exactly what He did. As Jimmy and I talked, it was apparent he knew the Father, but I sensed there was more. We weren’t far into our conversation when I discovered the real trouble - Jimmy was afraid to die.

I told Jimmy Bible stories about God sending angels to people in need, people just like him. Those angels had a special message: “Fear not, for God is with you!” As I shared with Jimmy, peace washed over his face as he received the message for himself.

At Jimmy's funeral, his wife shared his last moments with me. Jimmy would often wake from his sleep wide-eyed and call out, "I'm afraid!" Juanita would pat him gently and remind him of God's promise: "Don't be afraid, Jimmy. God is with you." Then he would sleep again. The last time Jimmy opened his eyes, he just stared at the ceiling. His wife asked, "Jimmy, are you afraid?" Jimmy whispered, "No, I'm not afraid. I'm just looking at the angels." With that, Jimmy stepped from this world into the next.

I find it interesting that while Jimmy’s outcome didn’t change, the way he experienced death changed because he trusted in the promise of God. I experienced this same truth in my life. Even though I pleaded with God to save my first husband from death, it wasn’t God’s plan. Yet I chose to trust God’s purpose. In spite of my fear, I chose to believe what I couldn’t understand. Doing so changed the way I journeyed through life and the valley of death. I had a companion named Jesus.

Jimmy’s story reminds me that when I’m afraid, I need not fret because the same promise God made to Jimmy, He makes to you and me: “Fear not, child, for I am with you.” In fact, did you know that the phrase “fear not” is stated in the Bible 366 times? That’s one “fear not” for every day of the year, with one extra left over for those really hard days. Why does God faithfully remind us over and over to “fear not”? He does so because we are not created to live in fear.

Second Timothy 1:7 tells us, “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” You and I were created to live by faith, and in God we have all the power we need for a faith that is stronger than all our fears.

It’s a Problem of Faith

The truth is, most of what we worry about never happens, but we insist on tormenting ourselves anyway. Worrying about what may or may not happen can nearly drive us crazy. A lot can go wrong in life, but God doesn’t want us to become worrywarts.

It takes faith to battle fear and learn to live with assurance in a God we can bank on. Unfortunately, most people go through life missing opportunities because they’re afraid to really live the way God intended. Fear becomes a stumbling block that leaves us with regrets. Relying on our faith allows us to live fearlessly.

False Advertisement

My youngest son loves chocolate milk. One day as I stirred syrup into a tall glass of milk, I noticed that the label on the bottle read “Genuine Artificial Flavor.” I was shocked! What appeared to look and taste real was actually artificial! I felt cheated and deceived. This was false advertisement.

In the same way, the father of lies specializes in false advertisement. He’s good at making our fears look real when they are not. In fact, Satan’s greatest tool for causing us to doubt God’s protection is the fear that God will not follow through with His promises. The enemy works hard to convince us that God is too busy to do anything about our concerns. If anything is going to be done about our situation, we’ll have to do it ourselves.

Like the legendary “boogeyman,” Satan’s spooks are all smoke and mirrors. We can easily expose his trickery by determining if there is really something to fear or if our concerns are simply…

False

Evidence

Appearing

Real

This acrostic for fear is the kind of shock wave Satan uses to stun us. While the sting of fright feels real, in truth it’s merely Satan’s trickery that gets our heart pounding. It’s important for you and me to determine if our fears are real or simply Satan’s hocus-pocus. If it’s a real concern, I heed its warning. On the other hand, if my worry is false evidence that just appears real, then I know the enemy is involved.

You may be skeptical right now, but when you realize you were created for faith, not fear, things will begin to change for you. You’ll learn how to rely on God’s care while giving Him your cares, be able to identify His goodness and mercy in your life, and overcome your fears of loneliness and insecurity. Before you know it, you’ll be able to say along with Paul, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).

Desperate Prayers, Devine Answers

By Susanne Scheppmann

“Have you ever wondered how many of these prayers God has answered?” I asked, thumbing through the notebook I’d kept for years.

“Hasn’t it been amazing to watch God work in our families?” my friend replied.

“What’s your favorite answered prayer?” I asked.

“Hmmm . . . my son’s recovery from the methamphetamine addiction. No wait! The ordeal of Ashley—or . . . I can’t. There are too many. What about you?”

“My grandchildren are the best. With five years of prayer under our belts it’s hard to choose, but two of God’s greatest answers are my daughters-in-law. They’re a perfect fit in our family,” I said.

In a Family Way

Prayer has changed our families. On Monday afternoons, you will find my friend and me cozied up on a couch with a cup of tea, a Bible and our prayer journals. We have been awestruck by the answered prayers, even some downright miracles.

Our weekly prayer sessions began out of desperation. We each had two sons and one daughter. All six children needed divine intervention in some area of their lives. Between the two families we have battled:

· Methamphetamine addiction

· Immature decisions

· Homosexuality

· Career decisions

· Gambling addiction

· Adolescent rebellion

Desperation stalked my friend and me. Our strength diminished with each new crisis that our children faced. Finally, we realized our kids’ lives required divine intervention. We decided to pray together. We needed each other for encouragement, accountability and a reality check.

For myself, I find that concerns over my children magnify when I brood over them. Worry threatens to consume rational thoughts. I cast guilt upon my parenting skills and myself. My prayers experience paralysis. It seems as if my words fall like rocks into puddles instead of floating towards heaven’s throne. It feels as if God is ignoring me.

Find a Prayer-Friend

However, when I get together with my prayer-friend, I experience an uplift of faith; I know that God is hearing our entreaties. My friend gives me a reality check, keeping my feelings from overruling my faith. It is easier for me to believe His words: “They will not toil in vain or bear children doomed to misfortune; for they will be a people blessed by the LORD, they and their descendants with them. Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear.” (Isaiah 65:23-24)

God answers prayer. Over the years, we have experienced miracles that could have come only through the hand of God. One son was delivered from a methamphetamine addiction and is now a gainfully employed homeowner. A rebellious, strong-willed daughter now displays compassion and understanding as she prepares to marry a godly man. Another son launched a successful career after years of floundering in indecision. The answers astound us. We have experienced the reality of Christ’s words, “For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them” (Matthew 18:20).

Do you want to be more consistent in prayer for your family? Would you like to squelch the guilt that mocks you during prayer? Do you need a fresh vision for prayers that seem delayed? If you answered yes, then I recommend a prayer-friend. Ask God to direct you to a friend with whom you can pray regularly for your children, your husband or any other needs you have in your life.

It’s important that you set guidelines for your prayer appointments. This is not the time to chitchat and catch up on the week’s events. Delegate the time to prayer. Share briefly the prayer requests, then pray. Record and date your prayers, so that you both have a personal record of the prayers and the praises for how God answers. And don’t allow discouragement to creep in and keep you from your prayer appointment - consider it a divine appointment.

Divine Delay

Not all of our prayers have been answered yet. Two of our children still walk in the darkness of immorality. They refuse to be part of our family. We rarely hear from them, but God hears from us. Although some prayers seem to go unheard, we wait and trust. A divine delay doesn’t deter us. We pray regardless of outward appearances because we have already witnessed the answers to so many other prayers concerning our children. We know He loves our children more than we do, and He is more patient than we are. The Bible says, “The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance” (2 Peter 3:9). He is patient with everyone and every situation. We’re the ones who become impatient and discouraged.

Regardless of whether God answers quickly or slowly, my prayer-friend and I will continue to meet, to pray and to wait. And we will rejoice and praise our Father in heaven for His divine intervention in our children’s lives. God hears our prayers. He hears yours, too. God hears our desperate prayers, and because He cares, He answers.

Dear Bathroom Scale...

By Lysa TerKeurst

Dear Bathroom Scale,

You are no longer my friend. There are two fundamental rules to being my friend and well ... you've officially messed things up.

First, you have been saying unkind things to me lately. I mean, hello?! ... I visit with you every morning. I invest time in our relationship. I'm quite considerate of you. I work out and watch what I eat ... kind of. All I need is a few words of encouragement. A few, I tell you ... is that too much to ask?

But no, during our last month of visits you just keep being rude and flashing numbers that quite simply bum me out.

Second, you can't seem to keep a secret to save your life. Those two brownies I ate yesterday ... okay, maybe more than two ... but I asked you to keep that a secret.

But noooooo, missy prissy, you just had to tell the whole bathroom this morning about the upward movement of the numbers.

I really wanted to like you. But, alas, I think we must break up. I 'm moving on to bigger and better things.

No, wait, not bigger ... smaller and better things.

Yes, and if I ever find them, maybe we can be friends again. From now on, instead of standing on you, I will stand on the truth of God.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast the sum of them!” (Psalm 139: 13-17, NIV)

A note from Lysa…

Unfortunately, January has been tagged as the great weight loss month. Well, not like an official holiday or anything. But it is the month that women everywhere set great goals, hit the gym with a renewed passion and start standing on their scales with high hopes for low numbers.

None of this is bad. Goals are good. Getting in shape is good. Getting to a healthy weight is good. But take it from someone who has seen the scale go both up and down … our weight is only a measure of our outer shell. The scale can’t measure our worth.

No matter what you weigh, God sees you as valuable, lovely, significant and worthy.

And until we believe that we’ll never be satisfied. Even if we reach that ultimate weight and fit back into our skinny jeans. We’ll still feel restless and unsatisfied without Jesus’ truth being the only thing with which we measure ourselves.

Filling in the Gaps with Grace

By LeAnn Rice

The first time I checked “widow” as my marital status on a form, I burst into tears. This just can’t be my life. It’s not supposed to be this way. But with my husband’s final breath, I went from being a happily-married mom to a widowed-single parent.

Before cancer entered our lives, Ron and I planned to have two or three more children. We dreamed of the days he would coach Little League and soccer, and we would spend weekends hiking along the trails of the beautiful Pacific Northwest as a family. When Ron died, so did our dreams for the future we envisioned together. I couldn’t imagine how I would care for the house and raise a child all on my own. Eleven years later, I am still trying to figure it out.

No matter what your circumstances, raising happy, healthy, godly children is challenging. As a single mom, it has been hard for me to find ways to spend quality time with my son while balancing the day-to-day responsibilities of home and work. Nick will always be my priority. While I would love to spend all our time together having fun, the reality is bills need to be paid, and the house will smell if dishes pile up in the sink. I know this from experience!

How do I get it all done? Well … I don’t. I simply do the best I can each and every day and trust God to fill in the gaps.

I didn’t learn this lesson overnight. The year after Ron died, I tried to be Super Mom, but failed miserably. Looking back, I have often wondered if God thwarted some of my efforts so I would learn to depend more upon Him. Nick never needed Super Mom. He needed me - a mom who tries hard, loves him unconditionally and knows she can do nothing without Jesus. When I let go of the things I couldn’t reasonably accomplish, God provided for us in ways I never could have imagined.

As for smelly dishes … I’ve learned to be creative when it comes to getting the necessary things done, as well as extra “tasks” that arise. Recently, when we needed to assemble furniture before out-of-town guests arrived, Nick and I tackled the project as a mother-son bonding experience. We ribbed each other over the silly differences between men and women. He had his way (the throw-away-directions manly way) and I had mine (the follow-directions-to-the-letter girly way). Switching roles more than once, his idea, we laughed so hard tears ran down our faces. We had so much fun it didn’t seem like work at all. Now I look at every task as an opportunity to connect with Nick.

Perhaps you are looking for ways to bond with your children while keeping up with everyday life. Here are a few practical ideas that have turned normal “tasks” into wonderful mother-son bonding experiences for Nick and me:

• When considering areas to serve in the community, I choose opportunities based on where Nick and I can serve together. In a world where the media encourages self-serving attitudes, Nick is developing a heart for serving others and learning that some people have needs greater than ours.
  
• Mundane tasks such as running errands are rarely fun. However, they provide great opportunities to catch up and connect. Some of our best talks happen spontaneously while driving from one stop to the next.
  
• Preparing meals together is a wonderful bonding experience, as well as a smooth transition to conversation. Unfortunately, Nick doesn’t share my passion for cooking. So, instead of bonding over preparations, we transform meal time into memory-making time. Sometimes we eat our meal backwards (dessert first), have a theme dinner (picnic food, ethnic food, etc) or we eat everything with our hands (no matter what is on our plate).

Being a parent is probably the hardest job in the world, and I’ve made my share of mistakes. I consider myself successful though, as long as Nick knows he is loved unconditionally, and never feels second to my other responsibilities. As he grows, I don’t want him to look back and remember his mom was too busy to spend time with him. I want him to look back at his childhood, and remember the silly as well as significant stuff. I pray he also has learned how to find balance as a husband and father himself.